Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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