i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
