hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize