He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
