you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
