it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
