obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
