I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
