A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
