i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
