you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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