saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
