A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
