I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
