The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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