Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
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