i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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