Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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