i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
