i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
