I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
