I wish my penis had an off switch
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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