how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
