i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
