I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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