please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
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How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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