I cannot find my penis.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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