Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
