I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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