where am i from again
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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