my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
