After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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