I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
