I skipped work to stalk him.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
