Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
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