She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
