Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
