We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
