life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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