I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
