Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
