I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My cat gives me a boner
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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