Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
