I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
