my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I want to be your penis for a week.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
