I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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