Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
