Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
