My balls are so social today.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
