I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
