I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
