I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
