I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
