Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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