Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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