Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
