Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
