The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Did I show you my penis last night?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
